mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
