I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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