I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Too much gin, very little bucket
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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