The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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