The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize