I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize