Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
