Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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