I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
