all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
