i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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