Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
