He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
