I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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