Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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