i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
