What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
