True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
