its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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