So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
smell my finger.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
