She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
