bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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