Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
