i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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