i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
ugly people sure do ruin things
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
