In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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