May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
