It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
