Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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