so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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