I'm sorry my penis didn't work
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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