i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
