My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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