Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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