Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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