i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
