...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
