I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
