At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Randomize
