remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
