I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
