you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
