Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
dude. I can hear the air.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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