I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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