I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
