Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
