Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
