Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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