I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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