I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
