My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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