Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
