cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
