So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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