one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
