I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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