that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
