haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
