ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
